The Passion of the Christ

I just finished watching The Passion of the Christ. It's 1:00am here in New York and yes, I watched that movie again for the second time. This time all by myself. I remember watching that in the theater when it came out back in 2004. I was a second year and leading Bible study with 3 of my close friends, Bien, Miguel, and Mark. I remember praying so hard that the 40 people we invited to come with us from our Filipino club would be blessed and touched by this movie. I remember that Bien's sleeve was soaked with my tears and snot cuz I buried my face in it when Jesus was being beaten and crucified. I knew it was important to my walk with Christ to watch this movie because I needed a visual of what kind of sacrifice he made for me. After I watched it, I questioned whether or not I could ever watch it again.

Four years later, something moved me to watch it again. I told Volt that I wanted to see it, so he went across the street to rent it for me. I asked him to watch it with me, but he said he watched it once and didn't need to see it again. That's what I thought too. But something was urging me to watch it again. About a month ago at church, I really felt the Holy Spirit touch me. Two women prayed with me and I asked God to transform my life. I asked Him to be real in my life. I'm not sure what the message was about that day, but I think it was during the worship portion of the service when I realized I had been taking for granted what Jesus did for me on the cross. I think that's why I wanted to see the movie again. I wanted to be reminded of the pain and suffering my Jesus went through to save us from condemnation.

So I put the DVD in and watched it. There were times when I had to cover my face with a pillow because I couldn't bear to watch the torture. There were other times when I cried out involuntarily in reaction to the horror. The whole time, Jesus, who is in excruciating pain, takes each blow for me and for you. He never raises his hand to defend himself. In the Bible it says that he was offered a drink to deaden the pain, but He refused. He wanted to complete his work to the fullest and experience every single lash He was given -- for me... for you.

In the movie, although Jesus' body is so badly beaten beyond recognition, he has one eye that remains open. It was a reminder to me that he was still conscious and aware of all that was happening to him. Crucifixion is so tortuous because they would nail your hands and feet to the cross and try to keep you alive as long as possible. In order to breathe, you had to pull your weight up by your arms, which were nailed to the cross, and push up with your legs onto the tiny block of wood that your feet were also nailed to. Can you imagine? The struggle within yourself -- "Should I die now by asphyxiation or should I take another breath?" Taking another breath probably sent pain shooting throughout your body. Jesus did this for us.

He took the sins of the ENTIRE WORLD onto himself. His soul which bore all these sins went to Hell in place of all of us. It was in that moment that even God the Father had to turn away from his beloved Son. Jesus went to Hell and back for us. And when it was all done, He didn't whisper -- no -- He declared in a loud voice, "It is finished." That means that He had strength left. He willfully stayed alive to accomplish what he set out to do and then on his own volition, sent his spirit up to be with God in Heaven.

And then miraculously, three days later, He rose from the dead in a glorified body, holes in his hands and all. My Savior did that for me. He did it for you. He knew full well what was coming to Him, but He willfully laid down His life for us because He truly truly loves us.

That's LOVE. I am so baffled by it. My whole life I've been trying to figure out what love is. I've been through so many relationships where I've claimed to be in love with the other person. But did I really know what I was saying? Would I have laid my life down for that person if I had to? Real love would. Real love means sacrifice. It doesn't mean getting what you want all the time. It doesn't mean compromising til you reach an agreement. It doesn't mean loving on the condition that the other person loves you back. It means being completely selfless and loving the other person because of who they are. I've always loved someone in relation to myself. For example, I'd say, "I love you because you make me wanna be a better person" or "I love you because you make me feel so beautiful," or "I love you because you take such good care of me." But what if down the road he stopped making me want to be a better person, or one day didn't make me feel so beautiful, or wasn't able to take such good care of me anymore? Would I still love him? Jesus would. He loves me regardless of how many times I've run away from him. He loves me even when I choose to call my boyfriend or other friends to vent about my problems, when I should be calling on Him in prayer. He loves me even though I've given away so much of my heart and body to so many people, when he deserves that I give him my whole being.

Who else can do that for you? Who else can do that for me? I would say my family.. but heck, there have been days when I'm crying out and I've dialed every single one of my sisters and my mom for help... and no one has answered. Even after I watched this movie and I was so emotional (my nose red, and my face wet with tears... also because it's the 5th anniversary of my Dad's death today) I tried to call my boyfriend, and guess what? He didn't answer. The ONLY one who has consistently been there through my successes, through my heartbreak, through my failures, through my loneliness, is Jesus.

I didn't know what I was going to write when I started writing this blog. All I knew was that I was filled up inside with so many things to say and I had to write it down... but I can't write as fast as I type. So much has been going on in my life. I'm struggling financially to survive out here in New York (like everyone else), my boyfriend and I are struggling to make our relationship work, my acting career is up in the air, and I'm often times all alone with these thoughts in my head. Everything I do to fill that void inside of me only works for so long. Hanging out with friends or my boyfriend, drinking, sex... even singing or making music... it all lasts for only so long. Then when I'm alone I feel empty again. The only thing that really makes any kind of difference in my life is when I talk to Jesus. There's something of true substance that fills my mind, body, and spirit up like a really nice tall glass of water.

When I remember how Jesus sacrificed His life for me, everything I'm going through just pales in comparison. The hurt and the loneliness I feel when my boyfriend neglects me, the sadness I feel from being so far away from home, the worry I have about not knowing if I'll be able to pay for rent or eat tomorrow -- it's nothing compared to the physical, mental, and spiritual pain Jesus went through when he sacrificed himself for the entire world. Jesus just asks that I remember Him, that I believe and trust in Him, that I focus on Him every single minute of the day... He promises to take care of the rest.




Jesus,



I can't even begin to imagine what it was like to go through the torture, the humiliation, and the pain of being beaten and crucified. Thank you thank you thank you for loving me to so much. Thank you for loving the people of this world so much that you would take on all of our sins and be condemned in our place.

Jesus, you made the ultimate sacrifice for me. You showed me what true love is. I've wasted so much of my life trying to figure out what love is and being so selfish about it.

Help me Lord to love like you do with an unselfish heart and humility. Help me to let go of all things I claim to be mine in this world and to cling to you instead.

Help me to see that you are ALL that I need Jesus.


Thank you.


Love,


Zandi