The Passion of the Christ

I just finished watching The Passion of the Christ. It's 1:00am here in New York and yes, I watched that movie again for the second time. This time all by myself. I remember watching that in the theater when it came out back in 2004. I was a second year and leading Bible study with 3 of my close friends, Bien, Miguel, and Mark. I remember praying so hard that the 40 people we invited to come with us from our Filipino club would be blessed and touched by this movie. I remember that Bien's sleeve was soaked with my tears and snot cuz I buried my face in it when Jesus was being beaten and crucified. I knew it was important to my walk with Christ to watch this movie because I needed a visual of what kind of sacrifice he made for me. After I watched it, I questioned whether or not I could ever watch it again.

Four years later, something moved me to watch it again. I told Volt that I wanted to see it, so he went across the street to rent it for me. I asked him to watch it with me, but he said he watched it once and didn't need to see it again. That's what I thought too. But something was urging me to watch it again. About a month ago at church, I really felt the Holy Spirit touch me. Two women prayed with me and I asked God to transform my life. I asked Him to be real in my life. I'm not sure what the message was about that day, but I think it was during the worship portion of the service when I realized I had been taking for granted what Jesus did for me on the cross. I think that's why I wanted to see the movie again. I wanted to be reminded of the pain and suffering my Jesus went through to save us from condemnation.

So I put the DVD in and watched it. There were times when I had to cover my face with a pillow because I couldn't bear to watch the torture. There were other times when I cried out involuntarily in reaction to the horror. The whole time, Jesus, who is in excruciating pain, takes each blow for me and for you. He never raises his hand to defend himself. In the Bible it says that he was offered a drink to deaden the pain, but He refused. He wanted to complete his work to the fullest and experience every single lash He was given -- for me... for you.

In the movie, although Jesus' body is so badly beaten beyond recognition, he has one eye that remains open. It was a reminder to me that he was still conscious and aware of all that was happening to him. Crucifixion is so tortuous because they would nail your hands and feet to the cross and try to keep you alive as long as possible. In order to breathe, you had to pull your weight up by your arms, which were nailed to the cross, and push up with your legs onto the tiny block of wood that your feet were also nailed to. Can you imagine? The struggle within yourself -- "Should I die now by asphyxiation or should I take another breath?" Taking another breath probably sent pain shooting throughout your body. Jesus did this for us.

He took the sins of the ENTIRE WORLD onto himself. His soul which bore all these sins went to Hell in place of all of us. It was in that moment that even God the Father had to turn away from his beloved Son. Jesus went to Hell and back for us. And when it was all done, He didn't whisper -- no -- He declared in a loud voice, "It is finished." That means that He had strength left. He willfully stayed alive to accomplish what he set out to do and then on his own volition, sent his spirit up to be with God in Heaven.

And then miraculously, three days later, He rose from the dead in a glorified body, holes in his hands and all. My Savior did that for me. He did it for you. He knew full well what was coming to Him, but He willfully laid down His life for us because He truly truly loves us.

That's LOVE. I am so baffled by it. My whole life I've been trying to figure out what love is. I've been through so many relationships where I've claimed to be in love with the other person. But did I really know what I was saying? Would I have laid my life down for that person if I had to? Real love would. Real love means sacrifice. It doesn't mean getting what you want all the time. It doesn't mean compromising til you reach an agreement. It doesn't mean loving on the condition that the other person loves you back. It means being completely selfless and loving the other person because of who they are. I've always loved someone in relation to myself. For example, I'd say, "I love you because you make me wanna be a better person" or "I love you because you make me feel so beautiful," or "I love you because you take such good care of me." But what if down the road he stopped making me want to be a better person, or one day didn't make me feel so beautiful, or wasn't able to take such good care of me anymore? Would I still love him? Jesus would. He loves me regardless of how many times I've run away from him. He loves me even when I choose to call my boyfriend or other friends to vent about my problems, when I should be calling on Him in prayer. He loves me even though I've given away so much of my heart and body to so many people, when he deserves that I give him my whole being.

Who else can do that for you? Who else can do that for me? I would say my family.. but heck, there have been days when I'm crying out and I've dialed every single one of my sisters and my mom for help... and no one has answered. Even after I watched this movie and I was so emotional (my nose red, and my face wet with tears... also because it's the 5th anniversary of my Dad's death today) I tried to call my boyfriend, and guess what? He didn't answer. The ONLY one who has consistently been there through my successes, through my heartbreak, through my failures, through my loneliness, is Jesus.

I didn't know what I was going to write when I started writing this blog. All I knew was that I was filled up inside with so many things to say and I had to write it down... but I can't write as fast as I type. So much has been going on in my life. I'm struggling financially to survive out here in New York (like everyone else), my boyfriend and I are struggling to make our relationship work, my acting career is up in the air, and I'm often times all alone with these thoughts in my head. Everything I do to fill that void inside of me only works for so long. Hanging out with friends or my boyfriend, drinking, sex... even singing or making music... it all lasts for only so long. Then when I'm alone I feel empty again. The only thing that really makes any kind of difference in my life is when I talk to Jesus. There's something of true substance that fills my mind, body, and spirit up like a really nice tall glass of water.

When I remember how Jesus sacrificed His life for me, everything I'm going through just pales in comparison. The hurt and the loneliness I feel when my boyfriend neglects me, the sadness I feel from being so far away from home, the worry I have about not knowing if I'll be able to pay for rent or eat tomorrow -- it's nothing compared to the physical, mental, and spiritual pain Jesus went through when he sacrificed himself for the entire world. Jesus just asks that I remember Him, that I believe and trust in Him, that I focus on Him every single minute of the day... He promises to take care of the rest.




Jesus,



I can't even begin to imagine what it was like to go through the torture, the humiliation, and the pain of being beaten and crucified. Thank you thank you thank you for loving me to so much. Thank you for loving the people of this world so much that you would take on all of our sins and be condemned in our place.

Jesus, you made the ultimate sacrifice for me. You showed me what true love is. I've wasted so much of my life trying to figure out what love is and being so selfish about it.

Help me Lord to love like you do with an unselfish heart and humility. Help me to let go of all things I claim to be mine in this world and to cling to you instead.

Help me to see that you are ALL that I need Jesus.


Thank you.


Love,


Zandi

new new yorker.

Wow. It's been a really long time since I've blogged last. A lot has changed in my life. After I graduated, I performed at La Jolla Playhouse's production of Most Wanted, then did a play with Mo'olelo Performing Arts Company called Cowboy Versus Samurai. In between all of that, I travelled to New York twice to audition for Telsey Casting for two Broadway shows. During those trips, I realized how important it was for me to move out to New York to really pursue my dream of being on Broadway. So in the middle of the Cowboy run, I decided overnight that I was going to move. I emailed folks, made some calls, and in a few weeks, the ball was rolling. I had a place to live, a job, and a plan.

The day after Christmas, I flew out to New York. It was and is sooo cold out here. After staying with at my friend Adrian's place for a few days, I moved into my own apartment out in Queens. Life is different. I'm single, living away from my family in a big new city, and growing up. I've experienced a lot of wake up calls throughout this process. Like for example, in New York, people are hella hustling and grinding. There's no time for bs. People tell you what's on their minds. Also, the process of following your dreams requires that all your energy be focused on solely that. Energy is precious and must be conserved. Romantic relationships take a lot of energy and there is no room to allow anyone else to take that energy from me. I will not let anyone be my crutch. In order to follow your dreams, you must take care of yourself and be good to yourself. Once I've mastered that and I've achieved my goals, only then will I be able to find real happiness in a relationship.

Stay focused. Stay driven. Stay grounded. Stay challenged.
Be growing and improving constantly. Keep building momentum.

ubw

misty

powered by ODEO

back to school...

i just realized that tomorrow starts the beginning of the end for me. my last quarter at UCSD. i'm not sure whether to be sad or happy.

i have two shows coming up this week. one is the gala called "A Night on Broadway". oh my gosh... I just checked the link and the director posted up a link to a video clip from my audition! what the crap! i guess he really liked it! that's hella trippy... anyway, i have to find a gown to wear to this gala cuz it's a $50/ticket show and it's supposed to be really fancy.

the other show I'm doing is "Love, Grief, and Spelling" with my birthday twin Daniel Gordh. It's a musical revue of all these freakin hard songs. i'm excited... but somehow, really super duper nervous. my whole familia is coming to watch it.

on top of all of that... i'm still desperately trying to find a roomie to replace bien. but it's super hard cuz it's in the middle of the year and hardly anyone is looking to move in the middle of the school year. anyway... it sucks.

this whole past week i haven't worn any makeup or dressed up really... it's been pretty nice. it saves a lot of time, and a lot of stress too. it helps when the person you're around is one of your best friends and doesn't really care what you look like. thank you... you know who you are.

ooooh i went to the grocery store to buy essentials! i have bagels downstairs! i think i'll make one. then i have to get ready to go to church.

before i go... i'll quote a line from the most wonderfullest movie ever made...

"You know Ben, it's too bad Mom didn't call me Hiroshima... Cuz I'm the bomb!!!" - Rose from The Debut.

oooohh.... good times... good times.

my glorious comeback

i've decided to blog again. why? i was reading someone's and i remembered how fun it was to just vomit all of my thoughts onto a page... for myself and for anyone else in my life who might think that what i have to say is interesting.

sooo before i write my first real entry for this year...

i'm going to wally-world. sshhh... don't tell bien.

You

powered by ODEO

HI!

pictures of my room:

"The Kensley Queendom"

there are more pictures of the beeeyoootiful house in my imagestation thingy thing too.


anyways, i'm procrastinating. supposed to be writing for my playwriting class right now. it's hard.


that's all for now.

ihop waitress

I was dining at the fine establishment of the International House of Pancakes this morning with my good friend Mark in the San Fernando Valley. Our waitress was cordial and helpful as she asked us if we were ready to order. She was a quirky character-- a frizzy blond hair waitress who looked like she'd been working there forever, but still was confused about everything. I didn't realize how funny she was until after I thought about it. Allow me to share with you a few tidbits of her unintentional humor:


"Would you like to order any appetizers while you're looking? Oh wait, that's a silly question to ask for breakfast isn't it?

...

... I'll come back."


I order. Mark isn't ready yet. She then responds:

"Would you like some more time? I'll give you more time. I hate rushing people. I hate to be rushed. I'll come back."


We get our food after a while. It's good. She comes to check up on us.


"Is everything still as good as it looks?

...

... Man, I'm hungry."



Then I ask for my check as an exhausted Mark leans his head on my shoulder. She notices and responds:


"Awww, you're making me jealous... I'm sleepy.

...

...

... I just broke up with my boyfriend."





HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh my gosh. How random. I loved her. If you still don't find this funny, call me up and I'll say it to you just like she did it. It's probably funnier that way.



Good times.


I'm glad you're still alive homeboy.

i can't sleep

maybe it's just cuz i'm excited.


i should be sleeping though.


you know what i was thinking? my taste in music is really influenced by my family. deep down... i really love musicals. i was singing today at my friend joe's graduation party and i just really enjoyed singing that kind of music. i really love jazz too. i want my kid(s) to have a really eclectic taste in music. i want them to really love music too. i was watching joe's little brother play the piano and i was like.. dang. that's tight. his sisters play violin and drums and joe plays the sax and his mom is an awesome soprano... that's what i want. i want all my kids to have a deep passion for music. whether it's playing an instrument, or singing, or creating, or even collecting... i want music to be a huge part of our lives... just like it is in my family now. it was really nice to see my mom and joe's mom and the rest of the madrigal crew sing today. i was like... that's my mom! we sang a little together too, which was nice. i miss my dad's harmony though. he would just come in and add his own automatically... that's the way my family is. even nikki who doesn't "sing" knows how to. i love it. today in the car, we were singing "journey to the past" by aaliyah and we broke into harmony at the end of the song without even planning it -- tin, nikki, and i. it was freakin tight. man, we were listening to all kinds of music today: pop, oldies, musicals, opera, filipino, r & b, hip hop... ha. me and tin were hella singing 1-2 step a capella. HA. she knows more of the lyrics than i do! silly tin tin.


ooooh. also, today before we went to the party, i had to clean out a whole bunch of stuff i don't need in the house anymore. i gave so many of my old good clothes to tin tin. it reminds me of the days when i was the recipient of hand-me-downs... i still am sometimes. i also found a box of letters from all kinds of friends... best friends from middle school, boys who liked me and wrote really mushy gross letters to me... "i miss you in the morning, i miss you in the daytime, i miss you at night... i go to sleep and wake up and still i'd miss you..." HA! that's slick. NOT. talk about cheese. but what do you know when you're 13? you think it's the greatest thing in the world that someone misses you like that and tells you profusely. heck, i like it even now when someone says they miss me... i think now though i would appreciate it in a more eloquent, less cheeseballl form. maybe even in another language? ooooh. sexy. haha.


i miss my long hair. hair, please grow back fast. i'm tired of this short thing.


i wonder what life is gonna be like 30 years from now... i'll be 50. will i be able to look back at this weblog and laugh or will the internet be obsolete and outdated? what could they come up with next?


here's a message to the 50 year old zandi:

dear me,

if in fact you do get to read this 30 years from now, i hope you're happy. i hope you got to do a kajillion things that you dreamed of doing. i hope you're still singing and acting... i hope you're being creative. i hope you finally found someone to make you incredibly happy and who shares all your passions with you. i hope you have beautiful children. if none of this came true, then, well... it sucks to be you. ha.


sincerely,

zandi







ok... maybe i should sleep a little now.


it's father's day! happy father's day papa! i love you and miss you!

i miss babies again.

i'm not mad anymore.

i want my baby clothes.


baby cupcakes.

oh lancaster

i went to costco today with my mom and sister. good times.

aaaaaand that's about it.


there's really not much to do here in lancaster... which is why i'm on the computer constantly. then as i signed on to AIM, my best friend from high school, Anjana, IMed me that she was home! note: anjana and zandi in the same vicinity nowadays is a rare occurrence.

she came over and we tried to catch up and much as possible. i haven't seen her in 6 months. she left for madrid in december and came back for a few days only to leave again for india.

then i decided that i probably should wash all my clothes that are at the bottom of the pile in my van. SOOOO... i unloaded everything, repacked the stuff neatly, and then brought all my clothes in to wash. i'm sitting in the tv room watching "cheaper by the dozen" and waiting for my first load to finish. my guess is that i have about 5 loads to do.

it's so weird being home. the past few weeks have been so eventful. i've had so much fun hanging out with friends and there's something going on every night. then i come back home and... nada. nothing to do, no one to see, nowhere to really go. it's actually kinda nice for a while. i can seriously chill in my booty shorts and tshirt the whole day and not worry about smelling good for anyone!


by the way... hillary duff sucks at singing.


my sister nikki and her boyfriend josiah have been together for 2 years. how do they do it? craziness. when will it be my turn dangit! toni is in love apparently. congratulations. nini is engaged. yikers. tin tin and i played on her new dance dance revolution pads today that she got as a graduation gift. it was awesome. i love that girl. mom's still superwoman -- doing everything and just being a straight up balla... making all this mula to support her huge family.


father's day is coming up. happy father's day pa.

you know what's crazy? how some things don't change. i was sitting with anjana on my couch and just realizing how thankful i am that since 9th grade, we've been best friends. it's so hard to find friends like that. no matter how long we've been away from each other, or how much our lives have changed, we've been best friends through it all. amazing.


ok i'm just blog-vomiting now. i'm sorry. there's nothing better to do. myspace is down. ha.


time to check on my laundry.


night people.

home

i'm home.


after a hectic week of residents moving out, my last show for the year, graduations, and my own surprise cotillion, and moving out of my dorm, i'm home. home's something i definitely take for granted. the past two days, i've felt so uneasy because i don't have a home of my own in san diego. i moved out of ERC and my house in mira mesa isn't ready until next week. my van is packed with my crap (thanks to my homeboy dj mark marcelo) and the rest of my stuff is dispersed among friends. i don't plan to unpack my van until we get to mira mesa.. the beautiful kensley house.

anyway, after i took the LONG way home and drove in traffic -- a total of 3.5 hours of driving, i came home today to a beautiful home. my home. the smell, the warmth, the feel of it... my sister chillin in the living room watching tv... i love it all. i am so freakin blessed. there's food in the refrigerator, a huge tv to watch, a new concrete slab and basketball hoop in the backyard, and beautiful women i love everywhere. nikki updated me on how to survive in the house and what to expect from everyone. then we went downstairs and did each other's hair. we gave me a mohawk and put her hair in curlers. nini brought home cookie mix and i made a batch of sugar cookies.

in san diego i was so stressed out... but coming home here feels like a getaway. it's kinda funny because it used to be the exact opposite. i never wanted to come home. i always wanted to get away and go back to san diego. but now... home is so peaceful and relaxing. i can't wait to make our kensley house a relaxing home too.

so everyone... 8 days til my 21st birthday. yahoo! oh speaking of which, i would like to thank the following people for the most amazing surprise COTILLION in my life:


bieNowie, mark mora, mark marcelo, migz, ray, jin, mama, nini, toni, nikki, tin and everyone who came to celebrate with me last sunday. if ever there is a day when i doubt whether or not i am loved, i'll just remember that day. i love you.

time to sleep now.

house

the house
Originally uploaded by zmoney.

note the beautiful white picket fence... beeyatch!

don't be jealous that your house isn't as perdy.

don't be jealous that your house isn't as perdy.
Originally uploaded by zmoney.

iBook buddies

iBook buddies
Originally uploaded by zmoney.

choices.

awesomeness.

we're gonna take over the world.